Dog Cell Phones
— Doop doop doop-doobadoop doop doop-doobadoop doop DOOP! —
— Doop doop doop-doobadoop doop doop-doobadoop doop DOOP! —
“Hello?”
**High-pitched whining**
“Is that you Spot?”
**Loud panting**
“You know you’re a good boy, right Spot? A reallllly good boy. And you’re my really good boy Spot. I promise I’ll come let you out as soon as I’m done with this meeting.”
“woof WOOF!” **Dial tone**
The above is, of course, a fictionalized account of what might be possible if we equipped our dogs with wireless telecommunication devices. As we all know, dog cell phones don’t yet exist. But should they? Will they? Won’t they?
What’s the sitch with dog cell phones?
At some point, not so long ago, the notion of giving a dog a cell phone would not only have been conceptually silly, it also would have been physically impossible. The technology simply did not exist. The buttons were small, the screens required a flip prior to use; those were not dog-friendly features. But devices now fit on a wrist, or perhaps on a collar. And software can now be controlled by voice or touch or eye movement or slobber or whatever other bio-digital interface the nerds dream up. We are no longer limited by technological constraints.
In the recent past, we may have thought of giving dogs cell phones as gratuitous and nonsensical. “Why?” we might have asked. “This is ridiculous,” we might have said. “I’m not buying my dog a cell phone,” we might have argued. But that was then.
According to our crack team of market analysts here at whatsthesitch.com, the average level of discourse, decision-making capacity and online-shopping-impulse control has declined to the point where most people would not find it that outlandish to consider buying a cell phone for a dog. Less sensical ideas are shared with us on a near daily basis and we don’t flinch.
As our loyal readers know, we here at whatsthesitch.com try extremely hard to keep opinions out of our writing. Above all, we value truth and journalistic integrity. That said, sometimes a story comes up that we cannot in good conscience stay on the sidelines for.
And our heartfelt opinion is that those cuddly little dawggies should get cute little iPhones!!!
Dog videos are already the most popular category on TikTok and Instagram. Shouldn’t they be allowed to participate? We exploit them for their cuteness and share their pictures without consent, along the way accumulating scores of likes and views, all of which prop-up our own flimsy self-esteem. But they are the ones who should be feeling the love! And dogs love love. They would be all over social media if we showed them how to use it and bought them little cell phones and strapped them to their collars. Especially if we built a special online platform for them, one that considered their lack of opposable thumbs and only modest IQs.
FacePooch? FetchBook? Doogle? PuggTrist? NextDoodle? Instagroom? WhatsArf?
MuttTok? CharPayPal? K9chan? Reddroverit? LeashedIn? Spotify? PupTube? Pawva?
We can decide on the name later, once we have phones in paws.
A rising tide lifts all ships. This wouldn’t just be good for dogs. Mental health services are needed more than ever as this pandemic sputters on and as communities become more fragmented. Virtual therapists are in high demand and are having a difficult time seeing all of the patients that need care. At the same time, dogs are sitting at home, bored, staring at the wall. Get those dogs in a Zoom room with someone experiencing anxiety! Pair that cute Boston Bull Terrier with someone working through a recent break-up. This brown Labradoodle gets excellent reviews for being an attentive listener and quiet panter. When you are feeling down, don’t reach for that bottle of Bourbon, instead Microsoft Teams video chat with your canine therapist.
Some innovative companies are headed in the right direction. There are like-minded humans and dogs out there who want to include furry friends in our virtual and interconnected world. If they really are our “best friends” then they should be able to add us on Facebook. If we claim to be a nation on the cutting edge of technology, if we want to re-establish American exceptionalism, we need to focus on a common goal, one that promotes community, well-being and economic growth. One that is fun and exciting. One that is always happy to see you when you come downstairs after a long day at the office.
The time is now.
