Five-Year Music Pause
Music could be described as a production of interwoven sounds that, when translated by the ear-holes into the brain-jelly, are pleasant or stimulating to the recipient. That’s direct from Wikipedia.
I don’t know about you, but personally, I love music. Call me weird, call me avant-garde if you must; I love it. I love the tunes, the jams, the bangers, the hotness, the funk, heck, even the chill-azz vibez, the waltzes and the symphonies, an occasional do-si-do (if it slaps), the club favs, the lounge rhythms, crispy disco, loose grunge, tasty trap, strumming strings, tinkling keys, striking chords, dropping the beat, picking up the tempo, getting into the mix, I love a synth with reverb, an axe with distortion, house music at basement parties, drum & bass music at house parties, mosh pits, mash-ups, collabs, remixes, harmonies, arpeggios and, when I’m in the mood, I even love a tasteful cadenza. Maybe I’m just a rebel; I love it all.
But! There’s so much of it. We have been putting out hawt tracks since whenever Bach hit the scene, and frankly, that’s enough. We now have enough music.
I’ve listened to enough songs that are worth repeating to keep on playing those thousands of tracks on a long, looping playlist. By the time I get through the list I’ll be ready to listen to the first jam again. This is known in the industry as a sustainable song repeat cycle (SSRC). Some well-constructed SSRCs can continue uninterrupted for years without needing to add new tracks to the mix.
Additionally, I would argue that I like songs I’ve heard more than songs I haven’t heard… but new music keeps coming out every damn year. And it is likely that, with each new batch, some small proportion will be good enough to add into my SSRC. That unknown is too strong to resist for the engorged FOMO cortex of my otherwise withered reptilian brain. I have an insatiable urge to find out if I would enjoy new music that I haven’t yet listened to. This pursuit is never-ending, and it’s draining. But I don’t have the individual will power to simply choose not to listen to new music. I need structural change.
We here at whatsthesitch.com propose a five-year international hiatus from new music production. Just a little pause. Artists will still be allowed to tour and play their hits (which is what we’d prefer anyways). And the moratorium would start with a six-month grace period during which bands will be allowed to release the tracks they’ve been working on, before strict enforcement begins.
The policy will likely be hardest on emerging artists still working to define their sound and gain a following. To minimize the impact, up-and-coming musicians will have license to cover any existing songs they choose, as long as they don’t play any new riffs or sing any fresh lyrics. And, if their application is approved, new bands will still be allowed to write and record tracks in private, only to be made public when the international break is over.
Music lovers, like myself, can use this hiatus to rest, recharge, reflect on music we really enjoy, and explore the full catalog of existing songs. We can finally get through those deep cuts, the Steely Dan B-sides, Devin the Dude skits, dusty Vivaldi scherzos, and all the soundtracks to Disney-Pixar sequels. There’s a lot of music out there.
Our proposed music moratorium will be a salve against that compulsive itch caused by newly released and unheard music. It will give us all time to recover, to temporarily escape the numbing churn of tracks, and to develop a fully functional SSRC, one with depth and variety. The policy will release some of the pressure that has been building on musicians for decades, and it will give bands a chance to experiment, to have fun again, and to find their way closer to the authentic sound they dreamed of when first starting to jam in their parents’ garage.
*(See supplementary materials for additional policy detail.)
Lastly, in our increasingly fragmented and dispersed culture, music is one of the last bastions of collective experience. We all remember Woodstock, when Hendrix shredded our understanding of the “The Star-Spangled Banner.” Not even the boys stay seated when “Girls Just Want To Have Fun” by Cyndi Lauper starts playing. Everybahhhdy knows the lyrics to “Everybody (Backstreet’s Back),” by the Backstreet Boys, and we all know when to *bleep* ourselves while singing along to “Regulate,” by Nate Dogg and Warren G. l learned what not to chase from the TLC classic “Waterfalls,” and I’m sure you did too. Etc. These are common experiences facilitated by great music. But these shared melodic memories are themselves becoming scarcer. Radio listening is down in favor of applications like Spotify and Pandora. Technology has made it easier for artists to get their music into ear-holes, but this has also resulted in less concentrated national listening patterns.
In addition to its other benefits, the five-year music pause gives us the opportunity to have a real, old-fashioned, collective listening experience.
To this collective end, and as a recommended place to start exploring for those with an underperforming SSRC, we want to offer a jumping-off point, a catalyst to set the right tone for the coming new music hiatus.
Alfred Yankovic, better known by his stage name “Weird Al,” is indisputably the most important interpreter and critic of popular music during the modern era.
Weird Al parodies the biggest hits of every decade, by the most influential artists. As a listener, if you like a Weird Al parody, you will probably also enjoy the original track, as well as other songs by the artist who was parodied. The complete list of Weird Al parodies, with all of the associated downstream catalogues, are enough to occupy a music-lover (like myself) for years. His catalog is therefore an ideal roadmap when seeking to expand an SSRC.
Weird Al’s original compositions (his non-parodies) are also magnificent. They are often worth repeating on the basis of Al's moving lyrics, and are usually analogous in style to a specific band or era of music, providing further direction for novel song discovery.
Last, and certainly not least, are Weird Al’s famous polka medleys. Atop driving polka instrumentals, Al blends spicy snippets from popular songs to form a collage of hits, a nourishing smorgasbord for the ear-holes. Over the span of about five minutes, Weird Al and his raucous band remind listeners of scores of nostalgic hits, a veritable advent calendar of SSRC candidates.
Go listen to Weird Al. I will too. Then listen to the artists he parodies, the artists he includes in his polka medleys, and the artists he references in the styles of his original tracks. This recommendation should be enough to take us well into the mid-hiatal period, together.
For those of you who need your hand held, who are both timid and slothful, I’ve included a list of many of Weird Al’s best songs (with Spotify hyperlinks), categorized into Al’s favorite parody topics. While it was our absolute pleasure to organize this list, that does not excuse your abject helplessness. Get it together.
This list is not intended to be a definitive ranking of his best songs. It is just a curated sample of great tracks from his endlessly impressive catalogue. Let it serve as a launching pad into the Weird Al YankoVerse (popular music’s preeminent universe). During the five-year pause in new music creation, if you want to listen to what everyone else is listening to, if your mix is stagnating, if your cycle is not truly sustainable, return to this list. Return as often as you need.
Food
Spam - “Stand” by R.E.M. // Lasagna - “La Bamba” a Mexican standard popularized in America by Ritchie Valens // Theme from Rocky XIII (The Rye or the Kaiser) - “Eye of the Tiger” by Survivor // Livin’ in the Fridge - “Livin’ on the Edge” by Aerosmith // Eat It - “Beat It” by Michael Jackson // My Bologna - “My Sharona” by The Knacks // I Love Rocky Road - “I Love Rock ’n’ Roll” as performed by Joan Jett and the Blackhearts // Grapefruit Diet - “Zoot Suit Riot” by Cherry Poppin’ Daddies // Girls Just Want to Have Lunch - “Girls Just Want to Have Fun” as performed by Cyndi Lauper // Fat - “Bad” by Michael Jackson
TV / Movies
The Saga Begins - “American Pie” by Don McLean // Yoda - “Lola” by The Kinks // Jurassic Park - “MacArthur Park” as performed by Richard Harris // The Brady Bunch - “The Safety Dance” by Men Without Hats // I Can’t Watch This - “Can’t Touch This” by MC Hammer // Bedrock Anthem - “Under the Bridge” by Red Hot Chili Peppers // Frank’s 2000” TV - Original, style of R.E.M. // I Lost on Jeopardy - “Jeopardy” by the Greg Kihn Band // Gump - “Lump” by The Presidents of the United States of America // Jerry Springer - “One Week” by BareNaked Ladies // The Weird Al Show Theme - Original TV Theme
Americana
Biggest Ball of Twine in Minnesota - Original, style of Harry Chapin & Gordon Lightfoot // Truck Drivin’ Song - Original, style of Dave Dudley & C.W. McCall // Trigger Happy - Original, style of The Beach Boys // Party in the CIA - “Party in the U.S.A.” by Miley Cyrus // Velvet Elvis - Original, style of The Police // Plumbing Song - “Baby Don’t Forget My Number” & “Blame It On the Rain” by Milli Vanilli
Strange Situations
A Complicated Song - “Complicated” by Avril Lavigne // Your Horoscope for Today - Original, style of third wave ska // Harvey the Wonder Hamster - Original, first performed on The Weird Al Show Ep. 1 // I Think I’m a Clone Now - “I Think We’re Alone Now” cover by Tiffany // The Night Santa Went Crazy - Original, style of “Black Gold” by Soul Asylum // Albuquerque - Original, style of “Dick’s Automotive” by the Rugburns
Other ‘Strange Situation’ songs with titles worthy of mention:
Attack of the Radioactive Hamsters from a Planet Near Mars // Mr. Frump In the Iron Lung // Party at the Leper Colony // Weasel Stomping Day
Tech
eBay - “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys // Stop Forwarding That Crap to Me - Original, style of Jim Steinman & Meat Loaf // All About the Pentiums - “It’s All About the Benjamins” by Puff Daddy // Virus Alert - Original, style of Sparks
Strange Love Songs
You Don’t Love Me Anymore - Original, style of James Taylor // I Was Only Kidding - Original, style of Tonio K // Since You’ve Been Gone - Original, style of a barbershop quartet // My Baby’s in Love with Eddie Vedder - Original, style of zydeco music
Medical
Living with a Hernia - “Living in America” by James Brown // Pancreas - Original, style of The Beach Boys // Like a Surgeon - “Like a Virgin” by Madonna // Germs - Original, style of Nine Inch Nails
Polka Medleys (chronological) - link to Spotify playlist
Polkas On 45 (1984) // Hooked on Polkas (1985) // Polka Party! (1986) // The Hot Rocks Polka (1989) // Polka Your Eyes Out (1992) // Bohemian Polka (1993) // The Alternative Polka (1996) // Polka Power! (1999) // Angry White Boy Polka (2003) // Polkarama! (2006) // Polka Face (2011) // NOW That’s What I Call Polka! (2014) // The Hamilton Polka (2018)
Supplementary Materials:
*Ehan Rahtul (ER) is our top policy wonk here at whatsthesitch.com, and has done a lot of scholarly work on the potential benefits of a mandated music pause. According to her analysis of the current economic and political landscape, she pushed for a more radical policy than our editorial board was comfortable printing. In her words:
“How can you be so stupid? A five-year pause? That does nothing. My team and I have run the numbers, we’ve talked to the lobbyists, we’ve engaged with the stakeholders, we’ve polled the public. A complete, indefinite stop to new music production is the only way this works. I guess a limited music pause is better than nothing, but it lacks teeth. It is fucking soft. The country does not need another short-sighted, quick policy win for the political benefit of some out-of-touch politician. Again, we’ve done the analysis. We need a definitive, long-term plan. There aren’t even any new sounds or beats to make anymore! They’ve all been made. We ran the numbers. The only real downside to a complete stop is that there would be no more new songs for Weird Al to parody. But, building on our extensive research, my team came up with a solution to that as well. Why not make parodies of parodies? Would anyone miss ‘new’ music if, instead, we had an endless cycle of Weird Al parodies? That is, Weird Al parodies of Weird Al parodies? Of Weird Al parodies? Of Weird Al parodies? Of Weird Al parodies? Of Weird Al parodies? Of Weird Al parodies? Of Weird Al parodies? Of Weird Al parodies?…”
ER also sent us this chart to summarize and support her position. She did not include any description or legend:
We wanted to include ER’s expert opinion for context in this important discussion. Once again, we here at whatsthesitch.com are a balanced source for news and opinions on the most pressing issues of our time.
