In-Store BMs

Look, I get it. We are all doing our best, trying to navigate this extraordinarily challenging time. Mistakes happen. 

But, now, more than ever, we need to establish some standards of public decency. We cannot descend any deeper into this morass*, away from the bright, convivial surface where we used to spend our days. 

You can’t poop in the bathrooms at stores anymore. It’s 2020, there’s a hygiene emergency on a global scale, and store BMs are no longer an option.

I’ve never been particularly interested in public dumps, party pooping, battleshits, dung displays, team turding, manure collectives, or any other shared scatological behavior. But I also haven’t ever felt compelled to put a stop to these practices; I’m open to people with alternative lifestyles, even those on the fringe. I have some close friends who are party poopers.

Now, however, we are staring down a pandemic that has racked our country’s health and well-being. This crisis, and our government’s handling of it, has left us all feeling more alone, more on edge, and more uncertain than ever. We need positive collective action and we need to come together as a nation. There is no room for callous, uncaring behavior. In-store BMs have to stop. 

First of all, you shouldn’t be going to stores. Stay home. Poop there. 

Of course, there are essential items that we all need to survive, such as groceries, toiletries, a new fall outfit, fresh ballpoint pens, whatever. You can go to the store. But please, for your safety and mine, get in and get out! Prepare beforehand, plan you route, and accomplish your purchasing goals.

What epic and meandering shopping spree are you embarking on? What journey is this where, halfway through, you’ve become burdened with a full and insistent stool? Don’t!

I’m not suggesting we close store bathrooms. Urination occurs on much shorter intervals, with less predictability. Bathrooms are also important places for hand-washing, diaper changing, crumpled-paper-towel-ball-shooting, etc. Allowing the public to safely use a store bathroom may be more vital than ever. Which is why people need to stop pooping in there. 

We can’t all crowd into a bathroom like we once loved to do, elbow to elbow. The realities of physical distancing lead to lines for public restrooms that stretch longer, and move slower, than pre-pandemia. There are few things as inconsiderate as settling in for an extensive dump while nervous masked strangers wait next to each other just outside, bladders distending. 

Furthermore, the scent you will undoubtedly leave behind only compounds the anxiety of those who follow. A thick and unfamiliar stink is an unwelcome reminder that the outside world is toxic and, if you venture into it, you may fall ill. No one needs another reminder to be afraid, especially not one that smells like fart-solids. 

There are a few exceptions, which I’ll reluctantly include. If you are on a long road trip, far from home, and you still have hours to go before getting to your destination… sure. You can take one deuce at a store just off the highway. But, if you need to use this safety valve, you should learn from it; poop before you leave the hotel next time, or don’t indulge in another drive-through burger joint. I don’t want you still crapping in public restrooms on day eight of your road trip. We all have to do our part.

Another notable exception are those people with a medical bowel problem. If you legitimately can’t hold it in, or if your colon is clinically unpredictable, I am sorry that you have to deal with that. Go ahead and take a seat when you need to.

Lastly, if you have a significant toilet problem in your home, you can occasionally use a store toilet for your dooky. Qualifying toilet problems would include not owning a toilet of your own, or having too high of a person-to-toilet ratio to reasonably get all of the collective pooping done in the morning before leaving for work. There are many who are not fortunate enough to have a stable, private place to drop waste at home, and of course they may use whatever bathroom they can access. But, if your toilet is just clogged from a recent delivery, that does not count as a “toilet problem.” That’s a you problem. Get a plunger, or a professional, but don’t come a-knocking on the stall in this store bathroom just because you can’t take care of your own. 

Again, these are not meant as loopholes; they should be the rare and infrequent exceptions that prove the rule. No public dumping.

It is no longer socially acceptable to move your bowels when you are out and about, the Overton window has shifted. We have no margin for error. Our nation, our society, can’t handle any more blunders, poop-scented or otherwise. Please, take this directive as seriously, for the good of your community. Make sure your bowels are empty before leaving the home. 

* We tried, unsuccessfully, to use the word morass multiple times in one sitch, something, as you know, that has never been done before. This seemed to be the perfect sitch to really push for the record, given the ass-related subject matter. Unfortunately, once again, we came up short.