Maya Apocalypse

With December 2012 approaching it is important to prepare for the upcoming apocalypse, as predicted by the Maya calendar. This is most likely to be carried out by undead Maya zombies (based on the whatsthesitch.com experts’ analysis of many ancient texts and hieroglyphs). What is the best way to survive and defeat these hordes?

We should first deal with the fact that I’m using ‘Maya’ instead of ‘Mayan’. Scholars on the subject use ‘Maya’ as the adjective to describe everything except for the ‘Mayan’ language, although we’ve all heard the ‘Mayan’ adjective commonly being misused. I’ll use ‘Maya’ in this article, as is appropriate for a scholar and a gentleman. 

While the calendar they used starts on a date equivalent to August 11th, 3114 BC, the stirrings of a Maya civilization probably began closer to only a couple thousand years before Christ. The Maya rose to the peak of their power around the year 900 AD, before the collapse of their loosely associated city-states. There are a variety of theories regarding the initial collapse of the Maya empire, including overpopulation and years of drought. This collapse led to the largest of their urban centers being deserted, but didn’t lead to the extinction of the Maya peoples by any means. 

The Spanish first arrived on the shores of the Yucatán in the early 1500s. Their attempt at subjugating the remaining Maya peoples began soon after, although it took them until 1697 for the final independent city to fall. During this period, approximately 90% of the native Mesoamerican peoples died of diseases brought by the Europeans, most notably smallpox. 

I’m going through this history because we need to know what we are getting ourselves into. Hordes of Maya zombies attacking all of the world’s largest cities, starting with those in the Americas (as we are the closest to where they will rise from the grave). Now, the majority of the most recently dead, most viable zombies, will have died from smallpox. Yes, we are treading on thin ice. I’m trying to be factual and respectful. But I also want to offer real solutions for likely disaster scenarios. Since they are the undead, and many died of curable disease, perhaps curing them of what they died of would allow them to rest in peace? It would be something to try. Crop dust everywhere with smallpox vaccine. Pretty sure that’s gonna work. Counting on that working.

*Sitch suggested by historian H.W.