Lotion Problems

What's the sitch with lotion problems?

Staying alive through a Minnesota winter is all about layering. This is especially true when it comes to our largest organ, our outermost natural covering, the skin. When the temperature approaches 0 degrees (Fahrenheit), and a gust of wind whips against your uncovered face, all that exposed tissue can do is hang on for dear life and try to press inwards, towards the warmth of the underlying blood vessels. These brave outer layers of flesh often have no choice but to leave a few fallen soldiers on the arctic plains of our cheeks and foreheads; to try and salvage every cell would be suicide for the whole flap of epidermis. Moisture and heat are in short supply, with frigid air pulling both from our bodies like… like ahh… like a strong-jawed adolescent chewing a piece of gum till it is devoid of all flavor and elasticity (or something). 

Humans have been able to populate these unforgiving northern climates because of ingenuity and gumption. One example of this, that applies to our current discussion, is skin lotion (or creams or ointments or whatever… for us, today, it’s called lotion). Its purpose is to add another thin, artificial layer atop our outer skin, protecting these courageous (but sensitive) cells from direct wind contact, while simultaneously nourishing them with moisturizing oils. Lotion works wonders, from simple chapstick to complex, age-defying beauty creams. It is one of the great success stories of our modern world. (And I’m going to make it through a brief discussion of the stuff without making even one masturbation joke.)

But it is not without its problems. 

Lotion’s main issue is a longevity situation, specifically, too long of one. It sticks around, until you have a moisturized laptop keyboard and soggy pillows. Not really its fault; adhering to surfaces is what it was made to do. Some less-viscous lotions are absorbed pretty quickly, and cause less of a mess, but they often don’t do the job. 

Which leads to lotion’s next fault: a quality one, especially for your face, is pretty darn expensive. Sure, you can get the cheap option, but you’ll need to reapply it throughout the day (which is extremely embarrassing in a men’s restroom), and you’ll end-up with acne. The right one might cost nearly $10, or even $20, for a little tub. Seems like a lot to pay for lotion… damned supply and demand strikes again. 

We have no alternative to Big Lotion and it’s skin-protecting products, so the bigwigs over there at Neutrogena, or NIVEA, or St. Ive’s can offer us an unpalatable price for their oil-water emulsions. I think we can stick it to them by finding alternatives, at least until their prices for that sweet, sweet lotion come down.

Maybe masks? Especially in the winter? They would certainly keep the facial skin covered. Which I guess is why people don’t usually don masks before going out in public. It is nice to see the actual face of a person you are interacting with. But maybe some of the weirdness stems from what they have been associated with in the past, like disguises, religious ceremonies, or breaking a bone in your face. Lots of weird things. We could rebrand masks as a protest against the outrageous price of face lotion? And get them to be more acceptable to wear in public?

Or maybe, as a similar but eerily closer-to-reality option, someone could invent a pill that would encourage skin cells to retain water. Or stimulate them to excrete some phospholipoproteinaceous fluid that would cover the skin, much like lotion. The pill might cost as much (or likely a lot more) than the lotion, BUT, in this scenario, we would lobby our health insurance providers to get these skin pills covered. So, with the right insurance, this medicine would cost next to nothing out-of-pocket. Or something along those lines. Farfetched, but maybe in the works somewhere.

This, “have a large organization pay for your skin care products,” theme could be put into play again by getting the Minnesota government to put public funds toward lotion subsidies. I know Aveda Corporation is based in Blaine, MN, so if the governor needs to spin it, he can say it will create new jobs right here in our state. Or maybe I’ve been watching too much “House of Cards.” 

We could also take it directly to the people, with maybe a Kickstarter campaign. “Contribute to a city wide endowment for the subsidization of face lotion,” or some such. Or just “Fund a face lotion party at my place,” but that might get weird. We could just go with a non-monetary-based movement, like a demonstration, or a boycott, or even a full-fledged revolution. I’m not sure this issue has that kind of support yet, but maybe in time. 

An iPhone app? There would have to be some sort of attachment probably, or high doses of radiation… These are getting further and further from being real options. 

The most immediate move, and likely easiest, would involve asking my girlfriend to show me what to buy. I bet she knows.