Snack-fasts
What's the sitch with snack-fasts?
This, of course, is the decision to snack all day instead of having real meals containing the major food groups. This is not a conscious choice made immediately upon waking, but rather more insidiously, as you have a quick breakfast of trail mix and a banana followed by a donut around 10:00. Then, because you’re feeling tired from the donut, you get a large, whole milk mocha just on the early side of lunch, with whipped cream on top. A bowl of cereal and a few carrots later, you’re good until 4:00, when all of a sudden you’re starving. That Cliff Bar and another banana just prolongs the inevitable. You grab the last leftover slice of pizza from the fridge around 5:30, ruining any hope of a real dinner. At 7:00 you eat most of the fancy, dark chocolate bar that was given to you as a gift, ostensibly to be enjoyed a little at a time. 8:30, you’re feeling pretty sick, so you eat a few more carrots, and a microwave burrito. Cram the last bit of the chocolate bar in right before bed, as “dessert,” and try and get a restless night’s sleep.
You may not have understood the path you were headed down when you woke up that previous morning, but subconsciously you knew exactly what you were doing. Why eat three meals, each taking preparation and perishable foodstuffs, when you can eat upwards of eight without trying at all? You get as many (likely more) calories, and while nutritionally it may not be as ideal, the positive effects on your mood cannot be underestimated.
We here at whatsthesitch.com are working on a proprietary algorithm to help readers navigate through a day of snack-fasting, instead of having it happen to them unawares, as in the above scenario. Users would enter in snacks they own and their schedule for the day. The program would then help decide the timing and best order in which to eat the snacks, to maximize snacking and efficiency, while limiting nausea and keeping calorie intake reasonable. When necessary, the software would also encourage them to augment their snack stores with a high yield item or two, such as tortillas or chocolate chips; items that synergize with other snackable foods already on hand, making the whole greater than the sum of its parts. Once our engineers work out all the kinks, weeks of snacking could be mapped out while in the aisles doing your weekly snack shopping! (…at one of the approved snack distributors we enter into lucrative partnerships with, of course.)
When conducting a few preliminary consumer surveys, we found the term “snack-fast,” confusing to some, so I’ll explain it further here and put the issue to rest. You are not fasting from the snacks themselves, but rather, fasting from all food EXCEPT for snacks. You get it, right? We here at whatsthesitch.com have learned not to put too much value on feedback from consumer surveys.
That said, we are also working on a line of specifically breakfast-themed snacks, which will be called “Snackfast,” removing the hyphen and pivoting the meaning of the term slightly. While the concept of eating only snacks for a day (and its associated software) is pronounced with a short ‘a’ sound, the “Snackfast,” products will be pronounced in the same way you say, “breakfast,” with the “-fast” portion being said more like “-fist”. This shouldn’t add much confusion, and having consumers associate those nine characters with whatsthesitch.com products of any form will, again, create synergies.
In fact, our R&D department has made this “Nine Characters,” concept the guiding theme for all future business endeavors. Creating products with names that share all the same letters of the alphabet leads to frictionless cross-promotion and increased subconscious impulse buying. We believe this innovate approach to branding will pay hefty dividends to our investors in the near future.
“StackFans,” is one of our products that is nearly factory ready. When that fan isn’t quite providing enough cool air for your needs, but turning up the power will blow your papers everywhere… stack another one on top! Is the stream from the floor fan only tickling your legs, while your torso is really what is overheating? Stack another one on top!! “StackFans,” pretty self-explanatory, is our line of stackable fans.
Next, we discovered in a poll of our readers that a lot of them are named Stan. We aren’t sure the etiology of this correlation as of yet, but hypothesize that people named Stan are made fun of more often than their peers growing up, and thus turn to humor in order to cope with their attenuated self-esteem. The mechanisms at play aren’t as important as we here at whatsthesitch.com tending to the childhood traumas of our readership. That is why we will be launching a subscription-based, “StanFacks,” platform, which will detail facts about famous Stans throughout history, as well as providing a forum for current Stans to network and exchange Stan-related goods and services. So there’s that.
In the final corner of this tightly woven marketing handkerchief that will be wiping the sweat from the bloated American business landscape for decades to come, we are dipping our toes into the profitable waters of boat accessories. “Aft-Sckans,” is our laser-guided foray into making sure the aft of your personal watercraft is free from debris. Whether it be barnacles, zebra muscles, or just empty beer cans, this continuous monitoring system will keep a watchful eye on the aft of your boat so you don’t have to. Now, during research and development, we found out that the aft is the onboard (inside) part of the rear of a boat, while the stern is the off-board (outside) part of the rear. I don’t want to get too technical here, as it can get complicated pretty quickly, but we realized that good stern-coverage is probably desired in addition to the aft-coverage. The name will still be “Aft-Sckans,” but don’t be misled; this state-of-the-art technology will keep the entire back of your boat clean, not just the aft. Or at least, it will alert you when there is something on the boat, and then you would have to clean it… Pretty cool stuff.
Because of all of these products, and their pending patents, we have to insist you don’t use the term “snack-fast,” or “Snackfast,” or “StanFacks,” or “Aft-Sckans,” or really any combination of those nine characters (AACFKNSST) unless you are referring to the products themselves or to this article explaining them. That of course includes “Fat N’ Casks,” “Caf Stanks,” and “Ass Fkn Cat,” names which we feel have a lot of potential, if they can be matched to a functional good or service. This is our intellectual property, and while we are not lawyers, and don’t technically have any on retainer, we have a few numbers to call should you feel compelled to challenge our ownership on these, likely very valuable, ideas.
