Hair or No Hair?

God comes to you in the womb and says, “You have two choices my unlucky friend. You will either have hair covering every inch of your face, or no hair on any part of your body.” What’s the sitch?

This is a tough one. Neither option is ideal. You’re probably going to look pretty freakish regardless which pill you end up swallowing. For the sake of the sitch, the face-hair grows in at a pretty standard adult-male rate of about one 5 o’clock shadow every 10-12 hours. And when God says, “no hair,” he fucking means it. 

As a male, life without any hair would be really rough. Females could throw on a wig, draw on some eyebrows, and almost get away with it. Call me traditional, but personally, I would feel very uncomfortable drawing on my face every morning. With that said, my 50m Freestyle split would improve by multiple tenths of a second. And I could just suck it up and go with the cancer angle, which would elicit a good amount of sympathy (until they found out I was just a freak and not actually dying at all). 

On the other hand, unmanaged hair all over the face is a greater freak factor than being a baldy with no eyebrows. I would be run out of most towns by mobs with torches and pitchforks (for a good example of this see “Shrek”). Women and children would cringe, and I would probably be more at home with a troupe of chimpanzees than with my human coworkers (if I ever got a non-circus related job). But, with hair all over my face, I could really shape my facial styles in unheard of ways. I could hit all the historical beards with ease (Lincoln, Mr. T, Gimli, James Harden/Freeway, Big Foot, Ulysses S., Dumbledore, Planet of the Apes guy, Geico Neanderthal, etc.) as well as develop a few of my own. There are a lot of ways to go with such an untapped medium. And I could maybe get sponsorship by Schick or Gillette, as sort of a Subway/Jared equivalent. 

At the end of the day (God gives you one day to make the decision) I go with hair all over the face. It may be more work to manage, but once you got into the routine of shaving twice a day I think you would be more able to fit in as a normal member of society. And the blank facial canvas is tantalizing. Again, this is coming from a young male’s perspective, and perhaps if you are a woman faced with this decision you should go with the “no hair anywhere” option. Please.